can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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