Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
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Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
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Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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