I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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