Got a toothbrush?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
