Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
