Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I wish they made helmets for livers.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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