The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
