i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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