Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
