yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
