Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
