i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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