Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
