You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
