I didn't shave. On purpose
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
