Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
