A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
