I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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