I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
