Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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