1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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