I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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