I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
