Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
