the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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