I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
