I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
then he tried to convert me to islam
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
