just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
