you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
