I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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