Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
