My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize