On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
