my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
