If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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