Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
