I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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