when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
