Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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