How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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