Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
