i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
