sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
If I die, sorry about rent.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
