today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I just googled if crying burns calories
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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