I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
