So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
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Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
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The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
soo... how was my night?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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