I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
