why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Send help, water and tortillas.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
