i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
