You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
