you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
