dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
