If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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