How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
