I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
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