this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My penis needs a shock collar
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
