Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
