The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
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I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
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In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
His nipple licking is glorious
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